The carnation I dried & saved is still alive

Carnation- my favorite flower… few people know my passion for it… yes passion… passion – one for its beauty that always inspires and awes me and two (more important) for the memories it evokes every time I see it… memories of a sweet friendship, memories of a time I felt loved & cared for, memories of some one whose presence always gives strength, memories that force me not to regret the loss but to cherish the gains… memories of a bond that still stays indescribable…

The red colored carnations that I received (surprisingly) yesterday evoked all the memories that are an eternal part of me… through out the day I felt like caressing its petals with my fingers every time I passed the shelf that they were kept on. I almost plucked out one carnation from the beautiful bouquet… but then stopped not really wanting to mar its perfect beauty or symmetry…

Now I know what that urge was… my entire being was pulled to re-live all that again… and see if the experience could come to life even for fraction of a second…

As I slept thinking about all this, I suddenly remembered the carnation I dried & saved… and the fact that it is still alive and will remain so… alive in me and my conversations… alive in my belief and faith that no matter where we stay, we are connected… alive in my pious prayers that will never let it loose its beauty…

That Silver white paint…

I felt like painting my nails after ages (it seems)… guess the girl inside remembered to enjoy the little girlie things today… but then a voice (from the back of my own head) reprimanded to take care of other things… things that are more important than your painted hand/toe nails stupid... things that will ensure the needs of my loved ones will be taken care of… things that will give them comfort the way I want… things that should take priority always…

All day long I rushed about… driven to finish all the tasks I had set out to do… and as the sun set and there wasn’t much I could do I started walking back… I felt the cold winter air on my face and tried to experience accomplishment (at least) for the things that got completed but some thing was missing that my mind wasn’t helping me recall… some thing that was left incomplete… I would have passed and missed the small shop glittering with accessories if not for that voice from my head that came up again… maybe now you can fulfill the wish of a girl who asked for a nail paint… and with a secret smile and bounce in my step I entered the shop…

The shop keeper started showing me different shades in pinks and reds and browns… but nothing seemed to appeal… “silver” was the word swirling in my mind… and I instinctively stopped his earnest effort to impress me with the wide range of shades he had… after few minutes, still wondering why I chose it, but happy with my “silver” purchase I headed back home… and felt the bounce in my step again… some thing that I hadn’t felt in a long long time…

As I sat down at night to finish the much awaited task of the day… my mind asked again – but why silver?? I shrugged and tried concentrating on the task at hand… when the coating and drying finished and I raised my hands to inspect the outcome of my effort some thing flashed from the past… or rather some one’s hands…

“Graceful” was the word I had always thought whenever I used to see her painting her nails in that silver shade (don’t know if I ever told her that or that it was one of the few things that inspired the girl in me to explore herself)… I realized that in my mind I have always associated silver white nail paint with her as if it was her patent :) I smiled at the sweet reminiscence… and then some thing blurred the vision… and before I could realize tears had left a wet trail on my cheeks… the loss of a cherished friendship was strong… the pain that will probably take long years (I hope) to go away… the pain of hurting her though I never intended to… pain of not knowing if I was ever forgiven for what went wrong even after I took responsibility and tried to mend things… pain of knowing that I may never have (no matter how much I want) that relation back as it used to be… or the chance to tell her that I will always love and pray for her to get every thing beautiful in life…

I know if ever she reads this she will understand what I am talking of… and hope she will believe when I say that I still long for that bond… that my life & I continue to feel the void and can never be complete without her… I still wish for the comfort, the love I felt with her, despite the persona/image I may have created of being strong and not needing any one… that I still want the freedom to reach out to her when I feel like pouring out my heart or to be allowed to stand beside when she needs me…

And that I will always remember her whenever I put that silver white paint…

We were having a conversation... as we usually do... sharing our inner most, our faiths, our passions, our turmoils, our challenges ... and what we find when we are soul searching... I knew lot was going on in his mind... I knew conflicts within were troubling him ... and try as he might he was finding it difficult to hang on to his faith... and suddenly he said "life is sweet and sour... i want it fulfilling!"... I did understand... and I started to write some thing to send to my buddy ... but as I wrote it seemed true for me... and come to think of it it holds true for every one... no??

Sweet or sour, life has different tastes to offer
Fulfillment is all about savoring each flavor
Wishing for a life without any of its essence
Am I not denying God’s complete presence

I am not sure if the thought is complete yet... but then just felt like sharing the same in its raw form only...

Who am I?

Many a times I have wondered and asked
Who am I with so many mysteries masked?

Someone who cries hard at failures in life
Or someone standing strong ready for strife

Someone who wants to hide her hurt from all
Or someone daring again even after a fall

Someone who fears every move she makes
Or someone willing to give all that it takes

Someone who runs away from being weak & fragile
Or someone embracing herself with a sweet smile

I found “Who am I” in all that I see around
My search ended in beauty so much abound
In hearts around me so spirited yet tender
In Joys and motivation they always render

Let me know my dreams today...

Let me know my dreams today...
Believe in them, come whatever may...
I will make efforts to realize them today...
To do that there may not be another day.

Let me shove away the dirt I assimilated…
Leave behind the hell I myself created...
I will craft a future that will live from today…
To do that there may not be another day.

Let me reach out to others as well…
Bring them out from their barren shell…
I want to love and heal them today…
To do that there may not be another day.

It is time to break the “patterns” of past

I was sifting through my system... cleaning up few folders and deleting the irrelevant stuff... and found some thing I had scribbled some time back... indeed a good way to be reminded again... as it is again time to break some patterns of my past....

It is time to break the “patterns” of past
Find out a pace, neither slow nor fast
But perfect to bring happiness my way
A peaceful heart, come whatever may!!

It is time to shift the “focus” of my life
From looking inside & just my own strife
To the lives surrounding me night & day
Render myself to help them find their way!!

It is time to tread on the “path” anew
Clear out the preceding fog and hue
Pleasure of giving gets better today
As I welcome serenity forever to stay

Another streak of creativeness …

Since morning yesterday few words were dancing in my mind... knocking on its walls to let them out... I asked them what do you want to convey and why should I let you stay... they didn't utter anything and went mum and on their way... I started with my day embraced what all it brought – actions, emotions, and thoughts abound (some dumb and some profound :)) … And hours later when I thought to say bye to the green light of my laptop’s screen, in the wee hours of morning my mind opened its window and the words dropped in…

Let me not love for reasons that may no longer stay
Let my love be faith- I nurture every min, every day

Let me not love for a lifetime- eternity is but an illusion
Let my love be a moment - a celebration, an occasion

Let me not love for the want of belonging or selection
Let my love be a gift - priceless and pure perfection