Have you ever wondered what is that single most thing that
makes you so happy and joyful that you keep marching ahead on a path that seems
endless, even through pain… or dare to try again and again even after repeated rough
experiences?
I suddenly realized what it is for me…
Yesterday, during a conversation with the man I love, it
suddenly struck me that deep down in my heart the sound of his voice in my ears,
saying “I am proud of you baby” is what energizes me… pushes me… tells me that
all my efforts, whether big or small do not go unnoticed. Someone, at least one
person, is watching carefully, is interested and appreciative of all that I do
or attempt to do.
What is my experience? Of course total bliss or maybe more… something
that I can never ever understand or express. There is a surge of passion and
determination to do all that I can to make him proud of me.
As I sat in silence, pondering further over my discovery, flashes
from the past kept appearing… and most of them came with a reminder of the void
or absence (more than the presence) of such an experience – of being accepted, appreciated,
and acknowledged for all the sincere efforts that may not have ended in
victories or of the victories that came after tasting many failures…
I am sure while reading this you can experience something
too… maybe discovering what makes you move in life or the one voice that you keep
waiting to hear with words that energize -- a father, a mother, a sibling, a
teacher, a boss, a lover, or a friend…
My moment of discovery was also marked with a sad
realization that major part of my life I have been waiting (though unconsciously)
for someone or the other to fill that void… to be that voice that tells me how
proud s/he is of me… little did I realize that the more I search the more it eludes…
But wait… Was it really that a voice was absent to push me? Or
was I not ready and willing to listen?
No matter what, there is one voice that has always been with
me… my own voice…
What has it been telling me?
A tear rolled down my cheek and there was a sudden jolt in
my body… I sat startled to the core at what my voice has been telling me and
what I have been listening to… “You are bad… You do not deserve”
And surprisingly, the voice has been so loud and speaking
for so long that it has drowned all the other voices that have been telling me how
proud they are of me… no wonder I felt a void…
But won’t that be the case every time… my voice will always overpower
the rest… Nothing that anyone says will resonate if my voice is saying
something different…
So what if no one really notices my efforts or my victories…
So what if there is no voice to tell me, “I am proud of you”… I guess the only
way to fill the void is to train my own voice…
To fill the void forever, there is only one way
It is time to train my voice to repeatedly say
I am proud of you, every moment of everyday!
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