The carnation I dried & saved is still alive

Carnation- my favorite flower… few people know my passion for it… yes passion… passion – one for its beauty that always inspires and awes me and two (more important) for the memories it evokes every time I see it… memories of a sweet friendship, memories of a time I felt loved & cared for, memories of some one whose presence always gives strength, memories that force me not to regret the loss but to cherish the gains… memories of a bond that still stays indescribable…

The red colored carnations that I received (surprisingly) yesterday evoked all the memories that are an eternal part of me… through out the day I felt like caressing its petals with my fingers every time I passed the shelf that they were kept on. I almost plucked out one carnation from the beautiful bouquet… but then stopped not really wanting to mar its perfect beauty or symmetry…

Now I know what that urge was… my entire being was pulled to re-live all that again… and see if the experience could come to life even for fraction of a second…

As I slept thinking about all this, I suddenly remembered the carnation I dried & saved… and the fact that it is still alive and will remain so… alive in me and my conversations… alive in my belief and faith that no matter where we stay, we are connected… alive in my pious prayers that will never let it loose its beauty…

That Silver white paint…

I felt like painting my nails after ages (it seems)… guess the girl inside remembered to enjoy the little girlie things today… but then a voice (from the back of my own head) reprimanded to take care of other things… things that are more important than your painted hand/toe nails stupid... things that will ensure the needs of my loved ones will be taken care of… things that will give them comfort the way I want… things that should take priority always…

All day long I rushed about… driven to finish all the tasks I had set out to do… and as the sun set and there wasn’t much I could do I started walking back… I felt the cold winter air on my face and tried to experience accomplishment (at least) for the things that got completed but some thing was missing that my mind wasn’t helping me recall… some thing that was left incomplete… I would have passed and missed the small shop glittering with accessories if not for that voice from my head that came up again… maybe now you can fulfill the wish of a girl who asked for a nail paint… and with a secret smile and bounce in my step I entered the shop…

The shop keeper started showing me different shades in pinks and reds and browns… but nothing seemed to appeal… “silver” was the word swirling in my mind… and I instinctively stopped his earnest effort to impress me with the wide range of shades he had… after few minutes, still wondering why I chose it, but happy with my “silver” purchase I headed back home… and felt the bounce in my step again… some thing that I hadn’t felt in a long long time…

As I sat down at night to finish the much awaited task of the day… my mind asked again – but why silver?? I shrugged and tried concentrating on the task at hand… when the coating and drying finished and I raised my hands to inspect the outcome of my effort some thing flashed from the past… or rather some one’s hands…

“Graceful” was the word I had always thought whenever I used to see her painting her nails in that silver shade (don’t know if I ever told her that or that it was one of the few things that inspired the girl in me to explore herself)… I realized that in my mind I have always associated silver white nail paint with her as if it was her patent :) I smiled at the sweet reminiscence… and then some thing blurred the vision… and before I could realize tears had left a wet trail on my cheeks… the loss of a cherished friendship was strong… the pain that will probably take long years (I hope) to go away… the pain of hurting her though I never intended to… pain of not knowing if I was ever forgiven for what went wrong even after I took responsibility and tried to mend things… pain of knowing that I may never have (no matter how much I want) that relation back as it used to be… or the chance to tell her that I will always love and pray for her to get every thing beautiful in life…

I know if ever she reads this she will understand what I am talking of… and hope she will believe when I say that I still long for that bond… that my life & I continue to feel the void and can never be complete without her… I still wish for the comfort, the love I felt with her, despite the persona/image I may have created of being strong and not needing any one… that I still want the freedom to reach out to her when I feel like pouring out my heart or to be allowed to stand beside when she needs me…

And that I will always remember her whenever I put that silver white paint…